And she has always been cursed with an excess of emotion-- inflicted with an inquietude she can't quite understand. Always, she has been called either vibrant and bubbly or angsty and dramatic--but never actually anything in between. Never has she been commended for acting with a sense of poise and rationality, though Heaven knows, she tries, she tries. Not a day goes by without her boundless enthusiasm getting her at odds with the constraints of day-to-day living, and every moment is otherwise interspersed with fluctuations to the depths of despair.
Despite this--despite this innate capability to drown in emotion--there are three things she does not (want to) allow herself to feel:
[a] jealousy- an emotion she feels binds herself to a person more than is comfortable--perhaps stronger than ties bound even by kinship and affection. For within jealousy lies obsession-an obsession to surpass the receiver of said emotion and a strange fascination for whatever the object does. It is the stripping down of oneself to accommodate that person--(and in our own perception) better oneself, solely in comparison to them.
[b] desire- For this involves being human, and no matter how volatile she is, she never wishes to admit that deep inside, she is just like every other person in the world-- that she is weak, she can admit--but that her weaknesses mirror others', she steadfastly denies.
[c] love- She does not like being bared to her truest of selves and mired down by a solid connection to someone else. In love, she knows, she gives only what she treasures of herself--and exposes parts of her she shows nobody else. Being in love, she believes, is akin to admitting a multitude of vulnerabilities to one person---just one person, and not knowing what happens next. And she doesn't like living on uncertainties.
She has always been cursed by an excess of emotion. But, every night she wonders...
Is she brave enough to forego a life of constant inconstancy?
Someday, she hopes, she will say what she means to say.
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