Places you don't want to go back to.

Just a little bit more. 

She mouths to herself as she stares at her body in the mirror, the bright light highlighting the spots on her face, the way her hair accentuated her eyebrows too much, and the round little bulge that was supposedly her waist. 

She sucks it in.

Twenty-four inches now, she realizes. She should be satisfied, but not quite. 


It's not enough. [It never is.]


"Two more inches, and you'll be exactly like Shannon." 


Even if you'll never be pretty enough or charming enough. No one's going to love you for long. No one's going to love you enough.

Just a little bit more. 

// 


You're in the bathroom, and you're feeling disgusted-disgusted at what you had for dinner.

A cup of rice, a chocolate bar, meat. 


If you didn't know any better, one would think you were hungry. 


But. 


Hunger was a sign of weakness, and you, of all people,couldn't be weak. 


You rummage through a drawer. You're sure you'd hidden some laxatives somewhere. Those would work. In fact, you probably had a diet pill or two, but you wouldn't want to resort to that so soon.


Again, those were for the weak. 


And, as for you? Well. You had self-control. 


You lean over the sink, and stick your finger down your throat, relishing the same, overbearing, nauseating feeling that leeches off the rest of your senses. 

Three minutes later, and you turn down the faucet, hoping to wash  all traces of your humanity away. 


//

She's proud of herself, but her mother isn't. 

Her mother's reassuring words masked the growing worry in her eyes. [Don't worry; your aunt Alice was an awkward young girl She looked like you, actually. Look; she grew up to be a model.]

She rolls her eyes.


She hasn't vomited in a while. She finds she doesn't want to. 


She's in control. 


[It's better not to eat.]

//

Your period hasn't returned yet, you think to yourself, and all the doctor can mouth is: Yourbody'snotdeveloping,yourchest'snotforming,notgrowinganytaller,
you'restuckinsomesortoflimbo.Andmaybewhenwesaveyou,youwillnevergrow
toyourfullpotentialYou'llneverbethewomanyoucouldhavebeen.

[You need help.] 

//

It's not instantly that you realize it, but since when did you start looking like a Holocaust survivor? 


You are satisfied, aren't you?


Hundred-pound girl no more.


[You just might be worse.] 


// 
It's funny, but even Karol tells her she's getting too skinny. 

She snaps back. You encouraged me. I thought you were my friend.

Nobody quite understands.

[Not even herself.]
//


One day, sometime in March of your freshman year, you break down. 

You try to tell a friend of yours. [Of course you don't want to bother everyone.]


Help me. 

//

One day, she escapes.

//


You hope you'll never find your way back.


||


Not very well-written, but hey, it's not fluff. Yay.